Past Addictions 

Contradiction. An acquired taste. A disguised drug. These spoon fed addictions are anything but love. 

I’ve been keeping my drugs to one side. So let’s talk about it for a while.

* * *

Is it possible to let go of the past, whilst learning from it?

Seems contradictory to me.

In order to learn from something, you must identify the lesson and then remember it. 

In order to remember the lesson, there must be a memory held onto.

In order for there to be memory held onto, you must refresh your mind to “what was”. 

The space between letting go of the past and learning from it, is untaught. It seems.

So what does it really mean to let go of the past……whilst benefiting from its lessons? 

You either let go or you learn….right?

It’s similar to ongoing discussions and theories about “the Ego”. 

Why are we taught to hate / fear the very thing that keeps us psychologically (and in many ways emotionally, socially, physically) alive? 

To despise of your ego is to despise yourself. 

To fear your ego is to fear your own existence.

What good could ever come from such internal rejection? 

It’s similar to biblical teachings  that outwardly instruct for the “sinful nature” to be hated.  

The only problem is, this “sinful nature” lives as part of us for a lifetime – in this contextual fact, we are born with it. So with this theory, you end up going through a weird conceptual living of trying to love yourself through hating yourself. 

How absurd.

The space between this love and hate suggests that we all need our egos. But….to allow it to run rampant / unleashed is said to be self-destructive. 

However, to be without it is equally dangerous – supposedly.

So how can you neglect your ego, whilst relying on it to be your survival instinct? How can you love yourself whilst hating yourself?

How contradictory. 

Some of the “new age” thinking suggests that we must die to yesterday, unlearn the things learnt, in order to live a life of freedom. Somewhere in this is the idea that being as innocent as a child is the best way, the way of a full and content life. All the while, we glorify knowing more and becoming wise through time.  Still yet, we acknowledge that children are wise without time and age. 

So, which one is it? 

The innocence of a child or the wisdom of the “learning”?

Am I the only one picking up on the fact that we are selling ourselves contradictory solutions….

A generation of addicted theorists. Perhaps.

I say, go live. 

Loyalist

When somebody else’s secret is your truth, to whom do you stay loyal? 
– Catrina Sophia

So many of us are living with the burden of another persons secret. 
Whilst the life within us is stiffled by suppression. It’s that moment when the altitude of these kept secrets are sharing the air that you rely on to breathe.

When I was much younger, I was taught the importance of Loyalty. Respect. Privacy. Honour. But the truth is, some of the worst acts of unkindness, abuse and hatred took place under the guise of these words. Events that went on to become the biggest of secrets. It’s funny because I don’t remember honesty being preached much.

To say the least, these forced lessons, these adult mantras, can create a mental glitch in a young persons mind. A glitch that must be undone. Because without realising, you can become a loyalist to unkindness, abuse, hatred or any other thing that you claim to be principally against. All in the name of being loyal to a secret.

From time to time I question, who teaches the discernment to know when loyalty comes second to the truth, to freedom, to justice, to peace.

Look around you today and really ask yourself what you are sectetly supporting…in the name of loyalty, or respect, or honour, or privacy. You might find that you have become a loyalist in principal, because you no longer stand for what you believe in.

Do you know what you believe in?
Do you know what you value?
Are you living them?
To whom and to what are you loyal?

My word for today is:

You are the most important factor in any decision you make. And loyalty to yourself is the truest honour. Watch those secrets that you keep.

Stay True x

Balance

I’m learning very quickly and very painfully that the same things in life that bring out the best in you, can also bring out your worst.  So it begs the question, is it really about good things or bad things, good people or bad people? Should  “things” or indeed people, be categorised as “best” or “worst” for us?  After all, they say that too much of anything can cause upset.

I wonder whether it is more to do with finding a balance, learning more about yourself, learning how best to apply yourself in new situations, or perhaps exploring how best to deal with something or someone from where you are standing right now? ….because let’s be honest, I am not the same person I was yesterday….(and neither are you). So therefore it should be no surprise that the same things, or the same person, can have a completely different impact on us from one day to the next.

I reckon we give ourselves such a hard time labelling things, labelling our experiences.  I reckon we give ourselves an even harder time, labelling each other.

There are moments I feel quite startled by the idea that something so good, can end up bringing out my “best bad”; that somebody I deemed so great, could end up being somebody I declare to have lost their mind!!!  Such an amusing contrast when you think about it right?!?!

I’m deciding today to learn not to be so sad about or confused by this intriguing fact. Today I’m taking the time to understand that the difference between what brings out my best one day, and my worst the next, rests within me.  Actually, I am the difference between the two.  Because the truth is, we are constantly learning, evolving, adapting, experiencing. There is constant change within us.  What feels good today, has the potential of feeling uncontrollably bad tomorrow. It’s what we choose to take away from the observation of these changes, that should count.  If a “thing” or a person brings out the good in us one day, and the bad in us the next, the only thing that changed is us, and our reaction or handling of that particular experience.

I’m sharing this because most recently, to my own distaste, I find it being so easy for me to get caught up in pointing the finger, in taking away from a great experience – just because a particular situation within it challenged me to my core by presenting a difference. That moment when you find yourself yelling at the same thing that made your heart skip a beat in complete bliss, all but a moment ago;  Has made me want to scream a thousand times over on many occasions. 

Increasingly, I hear the word “balance” calling out to me.  For these potent moments of contrast require a striving for balance within us.  And I am learning to simply smile through…smile, and keep on breathing. Smile knowing that I am conscious and able to seek out how to honour the opportunity these instances bring. 
Today I am saying thank you to those things, those people. who bring out the wanted and unwanted in me. For they are my teachers – and yours too.

Through all things I am urging you to renember to be good to you, no matter what changes you face.  

Change is good.  Lessons are a gift. And I am wishing you well always.

To loving this thing we call life x

Wise Men

Very few seem to age these days
Our evolution now involves preserving as much youth as possible
Are we all on a quest to delay the motions of natural wear and tear?
Are we all dodging a physical maturity in hope to avoid an earthly despair?
When I look around me, there are so many trying to prove an external youth.
So many running from the truth.
Minds decayed,
Bodies cosmetically arrayed,
Is ageing such a distasteful course?
Is the beauty and necessity of the next phase to be deferred?
If we are all seeking to stay young,
Who might be the wise amongst us?

A Hope To Be Present

The Bible talks a lot about hope. There are so many references to a better future. To a better tomorrow. Faith is often used in the context of believing you will obtain or achieve something in the future. In fact, for so many Christians, heaven is seen as “the” ultimate and aspired destination. As a Christian, I was taught to strive in life with heaven in mind. With this focus, the future is so bright – so much so that it almost makes the present seem irrelevant.

On the contrary, I have personally experienced a deep sense of dissatisfaction in my life at times, due to feeling like everything I ever needed to be or achieve was somewhere down the line, in the future. Which consequently caused the present to feel incomplete, troublesome, insufficient, and pretty much like a mistake.  In turn I felt like a personification of those feelings – incomplete, troubled, insufficient, inadequate, as though my existence, my life, had a mistake lodged in its hard drive.  Did my Creator make a mistake? Or was I just not able to follow instructions? There have been times when I have been so caught up in a busyness for a future destination or achievement that was in reality, robbing me of the one realisation that would change my life: Right now!

It’s only since I started to practice being present and developing an understanding of the idea that where I am right now is perfectly enough, that I began questioning my view of hope, success, purpose and faith.  Like, how does anybody ever embrace the present if they are constantly focused on arriving someplace or becoming “something” in the future?   What about who we already are, or what we have already achieved, or what we have already become?

Am I saying that we should stop planning, or setting goals or reaching for our dreams to be materialised? No.  Am I saying that we should no longer hope in a better future, or a better life situation generally? No.  But I do question how much a overly dominant focus on the “hope” of a future gain, can hinder our ability to be “present” and realise that all that there EVER is, is now?

I wonder how many of us would feel cheated if we found out that heaven was not a destination?  Or that new home, or job, or relationship that we prayed for for so long would not make us feel complete?  I wonder how we would feel if our ability to remain individually authentic was the true measure of salvation, or of pure joy and lasting peace?   Would we still stick with our current choices?  Would we stop doing anything with immediate effect?

Somehow for me, being overly hopeful in a tomorrow that hasn’t arrived yet, as opposed to being thoroughly present in what is, seems to be at separate ends of a spectrum right now.  Perhaps it is my growing understanding that makes it appear this way but I guess I am okay with exploring this.   Why?  Because it appears that there is so much more richness in becoming increasingly present – present enough to smell more roses than ever before….and in fact, I only just realised that a rose is so much more than just a flower…The other day, I noticed birds chirping around 6/7pm really loudly, as though it was the first time I had heard birds chirping at this hour.   My daughter reminded me that it was the “Evening Chorus” that I was over hearing.   What amazes me about this is that I just cannot seem to recollect a time of such inner stillness, that allowed my ears to hear beyond the call of future engagements.

So my question is, how much time do we really spend on the “now” that we once planned for?

Indeed – Our hope must be a present one.

Stay True x

Return To That Place

I’ve been thinking…
And you know I like to think….
But here’s the thing…..

There was a moment in which “light” was formed. If you believe that version of creation. This version assumes that everything was “dark” before that point. (Stay with me). These often undisputed assumptions, leave quite a bit to be explained, like:

How did the Creator of creation form light without light?

….because although we assume that light would have needed darkness so that it could be defined…who could have created such greatness without being able to see? How is it that “darkness” was such a bearable sight?

And so then, how is it that darkness has such negative connotations assigned to it if one of the greatest moments in “creation” happened within it?

…Was the Creator of creation blind before declaring “light”? Was the Creator stumbling around in darkness?

Or is it that light nor darkness were needed in that space of creation?

Therefore who was it that light was created for?

…..because the Creator of light did not require it…..

I ask you to ask yourself:

Have we limited our own understanding with definitions and labels…?

Somehow my intuition is telling me that we began as a finished creation….

…because before Flat Screen TV’s, electric cars, or sky scraper buildings, we were more advanced than we could ever be….potentially?

So what is it that we should really seek after, other than to return to that place? That place where everything was nameless….immeasurable….untouched but yet functional…..unobtainable but yet beautifully accessible….

As I inhale pure wonder, I relax in the beauty of the unknown – knowing that I will return to my rightful place of “all knowing”….

Life After The Butterfly….

Everyone talks about life after the caterpillar, but I wonder, who really questions life after the butterfly…..?

Have we arrived already?

Surely, if we believe life as a butterfly is the final destination then, we either spend a whole lot of time being a caterpillar OR, we are living at full capacity as a butterfly (miserably!).

The lifecycle of a butterfly is dependent on reproduction. In the end, a butterfly must give back in order to continue the cycle.

I question whether the transition from caterpillar to butterfly is represented more by special “moments” throughout our lives, as opposed to an ultimate cross over from life to death and beyond.

Is it that we find life after our “butterfly moments” by reinvesting, by constant self development, by spreading the goodness that we have achieved, by sharing the gift we have been given to not only receive life, but enable it for another. We seem to touch parallels of existence through the passions that we possess. Some are wide awake to those de ja vous moments and others write them off.

Perhaps some of us have mastered the concept of the purpose of our butterfly transition being within us. Perhaps some of us contemplate whether or not death as we know it, is actually a true reflection of the beginning of our butterfly transition. Perhaps it is more about the death of “things outgrown” but essentially, the point is that we live on…..always….

Perhaps the life cycle of a snake is much better to contend with – but then again, snakes do not carry the same (perceived) beauty as a butterfly.

Are we merely just seeking “beauty”….?

Did we forget that we were born as butterflies….? That the caterpillar in fact represents growth? Development? The acquisition of wisdom over time?

Perhaps we are already that which we seek….

So therefore aiming beyond those butterfly moments, is probably a good idea.

Destination is whatever we make it, but the journey is so often much more important. When I am frantically rushing around doing “stuff”, lining up the next activity, planning the next “thing”, I often question myself about the “now” that I possess.

How is “now” going?

Or are we too busy with what could be next?

From myself to myself.

To the me within you, and to the “you” wthin me – don’t forget that you are already living life after the “butterfly”.

– Catrina Sophia x