I know I should be thankful for the light at the end of my tunnels

So many tunnels.
So much hope.

They encourage me…
They warm me…

But how devastating it is…
when I come crashing down from a hope unfulfilled.

I haven’t quite mastered how to hold myself through the curves of uncertainty. My mind. My heart. They need constant reassurance.

Because when hope is retracted from my reach.
When I feel so close to a fresh start and it is snatched out of my sight with urgency,
I feel played.
And like Alice, I yell, “but that was MY dream…that was my wonderland”.

I’m trying desperately to find my meditative state.
I urge myself.
I feel the growth in my mindset.
But pain lingers.

I yearn to learn how to love myself through the unanswered flickers.
The ones that go out.
The ones that must be reignited.
For in those moments of darkness, I see Judas in my heart.
Too quick to betray the hope that always saves me.

I know that patience is the true mirror of hope. But..

My reflection shows something different.
I see bright lights ahead.
I feel racey.
I scream when it doesn’t work out.
I question myself.
I question life.

I desire to be more reflective and intrigued by how life unfolds –

I want to reignite myself through observation
…I want to learn how to carefully watch how all of my desires are divinely and sequentially and seamlessly answered.
Because they are.

I hear the wind calling me to attention, saying, “saddle up, and enjoy the ride – for life is but a flicker”.

Perhaps hope is the destination, and the flickers, maybe they’re proof of a promise kept.
Not signs of unfinished or unfulfilled desires.

Disappointment takes my breath but I am still breathing…

This is hope.

I grow.

My desires evolve and they run through my veins like messengers of a new day yet to come.

This is hope.

To the view in mirror, let impatience be your past vice.

This is hope.

Written by Catrina Sophia

I keep on meeting myself over and over again. Each time is different. I write for clarity but most times it is when I feel like clarity has been achieved. Most people who encounter me will say that I have a beautiful way with words. I’m inclined to say that words have a beautiful way with me.

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