Linear Breakups

I have experienced the world through a linear lens for most of my life up until now. But most recently I’ve been looking at how life is anything but linear.  The tick box exercise that we tend to live by, and indeed are conditioned to comply with, seems to become quite irrelevant as time goes on – as one matures.  As I approach my 35th year, I question what my linear approach to life has taught me, and how I can unlearn the conditions that were set to bring me the greatest of inner satisfaction, but never did.

Here is my linear story thus far.

It all started in Manchester, England. Born and bred in the northern quarters of the UK. I can remember my first primary school, which also hosted my pre-school / nursery life. The same playground that I ran at speed in for the first time, still exists today.

At the age of 9, I spent just under a full school year in Jamaica, without my parents. I’m convinced that this shaped a lot of my independent characteristics. Equally, it probably contributed to much of my detachment issues later on. You know, not knowing when to walk away from a bad situatiom. Or holding onto people who were just no good for me.

I went on to experience 3 different high schools, which in hindsight, strengthened me for the turbulent changes that awaited me in my later life.

I started writing music and poetry at age 11. Fully immersed by Yo MTV Raps, which was the main portal of televised music from the States, I found a talent and a passion in me that seemed to have always been there. Just needed an ignition.

At the age of 14 my family and I left to start a new life in the UK’s Capital, London. The equivalent of what was perceived as England’s version of the Big Apple. New school, new friends, fresh start, I was so ready!

By my 16th year, I witnessed the death of the 2 parent family that had housed my entire childhood. I coped with this pretty well to be honest. It was the years before that moment of dissolve, that stand in question. They never should have stayed together for the sake of “the children”. Did way more harm than good. At 16 years old I was presented with another fresh start to look forward to – one that didn’t involve domestic violence. The sense of peace was one that I find difficult to put into words. Yet I overlooked the grief and disappointment that would later play out in my own life and decisions.

Ironically, I began to experience a family setting that grew increasingly estranged. Nothing seemed as tight as it had before. From cousins to grandparents, emotional distance seemed to be a consistent theme. Was that just people changing or my view and perspective on things? I still question.

I began as a college student at 16.
Met my first love at 17.
Decided I wanted to be a fully fledged Christian at 18; which was accompanied by me graduating from college and going onto study Politics at degree level – all in the same year.
Decided to grow out all chemicals from my hair at 19.
Started growing locs at 20.
Moved into my first apartment at 21.
Contacted a Publishing House about publishing my first book at 21.
Married my first love at 22.
Had my first child on the brink of turning 23.

Took the world of Banking by storm at 25 – is the positive mantra I’m working on.
Set my own company up at 29.
Was travelling globally as a freelance Project Manager / Business Analyst at 30
Walked into a dealership at 30 and walked out over £45k happy at 30. Pivotal moments!

Divorced at 31.
Ditched religion at 32.
Explored my first same sex relationship at 32. A first love all over again!

Went through one of my most challenging/soul destroying financial, property and career phases from 32-34.
Somehow in the midst of all of this, I made a career mark for myself within Government/Law Enforcement.

Cut my 14 year old locs off at 34, then embarked on building a modelling portfolio…
It seems that with every major change or difficult phase, there was always an achievement being experienced in parallel.

Still haven’t casted for anything “model” oriented at 34
Still aspire to be a published Writer and Speaker at 34 (feet tapping)….

….and here I am on the brink of 35

Ultimately, I have experienced much change. Extreme variation.
They say that we choose this life before we enter into it.
I still question why ANYBODY would choose this highly changing chain of events?
What happened to CONSISTENT blissful and rich?
What happened to “happily ever after”?
They also say, in order to know where you’re heading, in order to know who you are, you must go back and understand your roots, your past.

Well this is my past…and I’m inclined to ditch that view too. ….
Because the truth is,
I have no idea what or whom to pay homage to, which city or country to feel patriotic about, which experience to attach extra sentiment to.
I have no idea what or whom really raised me or where my real home is…
….because with each event, with each change,
your roots change.
The blueprint of who you are is altered, updated.

So, is “change” the real teacher, the real parent, the real family, the real first love, the real friend?

Because with each change, my teachers have changed, my family have changed, my relationships have changed….

So is “change” the point?
Did I “choose” change?
Do we “choose” change?

A friend once said, “life is not linear, and so we must honour ourselves in each moment”.
And this is one of the truest things that resonate with me, right now.
So from here on in, I’m going to focus on each moment and give myself fully to each one.

Here it goes.
Hello 35,
I love you ….and I’m ready for my new life of moments.
ause the point is, I don’t think it matters what happens in the linear space, it matters what’s going on in our internal space.
internal mind.
internal spirit.
highest selves.

Today is my most truest thing.
Today is the “me” I choose to focus on.

The lessons of yesterday, are my helpers for my choices of today. So please help me to choose well. To be authentic, to be truthful to myself first, BEFORE everything and everybody.

My greatest experiences are those I once deemed were mistakes. Because they weren’t mistakes at all. They are all a reflection of me stepping out of what I thought I knew, and taking a risk to find out if they were my truth or not.

I’m excited to ignite more courage in myself. To find and explore a deeper existence in myself. To connect with things that hold meaning in my eyes, at that moment in time.
explore my wanting
my desires,
uncondition each one,
step by step.

I wonder what choices I’ll make with each link of conditioning that I remove.

Farewell Linear.

And Thank You for being my home thus far.

If I ever come knocking again, do NOT answer.

Sincerely,

Catrina

2 thoughts on “Linear Breakups

  1. Beautifully written Catrina.
    Our lives are all different but like you my life has had ups and downs and I used to think I had more bad luck than good. When a life changing event happened to me in my mid-20’s I reevaluated and realised that there is no such thing as luck, only experience. Some experience is happy and enjoyable, some not so, but all of it shapes us a person. As long as you grow and learn through each and every one, we edge closer to our own happiness.
    Continue to grow Catrina. I know you are a good person with a big heart and I’m sure your dreams and aspirations will come to you along your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mark, you make my day. A very heart felt take on life and the variety of experiences. It gets tough but as you said so well, as long as we grow and learn throughout, we are that bit closer to happiness. Keep well my friend x

      Like

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