Healthy over lonely

Starting high school was like a breath of fresh air for me. I remember feeling so empowered by new beginnings and fresh starts. However this was mostly attached to the reality of being able to break free from situations and friendships that hadn’t treated me well.

I thoroughly welcomed the transition from primary school to high school because I was bullied throughout most of my primary school years. Pretty grim fact, I know. However there is a point to surfacing this as an example, which we’ll get to later.

The biggest anomaly in this was that the person making my social life a misery was also known as my best friend. We would hang out loads, plan activities, write love letters to boys in class and have a good old laugh. But then she would steal my clothes, adorn herself with my ideas, intrinsically lie when challenged, and still force her way into my life and presence. She wanted to be around me!! Which was so odd at the time. But I was a person of second chances. I was also a person wanting great connections and friendships. A young hopeless romantic at her finest.

Funnily enough, this ordeal hadn’t seemed to have stolen my fight for survival or my positive outlook on new opportunities with new people. Not all people were tarred with my unfortunate experiences just yet. There was hope for all.

Don’t get me wrong. I still had my issues with very dominant and controlling types of girls in high school, but I’m realising more so now, that this had a lot to do with who I was choosing to be around. Most of these girls tended to be popular, funny and fashionable; things that I secretly crushed on and openly admired. It matched “my fly” at the time, so to speak. So there it was, the golden dilemma thread; I was choosing my attractions over good and healthy personalities.

I ended up wanting validation, friendship and attention from these attractive but not so nice personas. We shared interests, social culture, musical tastes, the lot. But they just weren’t of my spirit or nature. Nonetheless, I was always quite hopeful that it was possible to sift out the bad from the good in them. So I persisted in one too many good but bad friendships. Not realising that this would later scar me, really badly.

As I spend more time exploring myself and the things I need to heal and repair, I can see how my years of earlier development and experiences have led to quite distasteful choices in my adult life. Not to mention trust issues. To my horror, there are strong indications that I have been choosing what categorically feels and looks good, over what is actually good for me. Why can’t it all exist in the same place…..my inner child wrestles with this as much as I do!

With that said I am quite sure that it is by no coincidence that I do not have any long term, deep and meaningful or consistent friendships to call upon and it really does beg the question; Is it me or is it the people I continue to choose? How much of this is owing to my trust issues from childhood? Have I made the female the enemy in my world? Have I made people things to beware of?

The truth is, aside to the above questions, choosing fleeting exteriors and deep seated negative personalities over what is good and pleasing to your spirit, will never win the race. And it is true that the problem does not always lay with the other person, but the partnership in and of itself just isn’t fruitful or conducive to who you are, what you need and where you are heading.

When I think I spot something identical or similar to my childhood experiences in terms of controlling, manipulative or unkind types, I can feel an anger of resistance racing through my veins and a no tolerance attitude, which I guess comes with age. I hold myself in a “on your marks / get set” mode – ready to flee from any emotional attachment that was forming. And there is always an attachment forming. But fleeing hardly lasts as we get older, because we learn to stay – and stay for way too long, in a situation that no longer serves us.

I wonder whether our various childhood experiences have more of a part to play than we think. I wonder whether they need more of a proactive and practical release, than a passive one.

I wonder how many of us are actually aware of the subtle repetitive cycles in our friendships and relationships.

I wonder, in my case, how distrust can be remedied into healthy new friendships and/or into rekindling (the right) past ones that may present themselves.

Ultimately, I wonder whether I can grow to confidently identify the difference between:
1. setting healthy boundaries and rebuilding trust one person at a time vs.
2. saying no to friendships / relationships that just aren’t right for me from the jump off

My conclusion is that we must work on ourselves. We must figure out what needs healing within us. It is also important to always see ourselves in the highest light and know when to put a stop to interactions that are distorting our goodness. Nobody has to be wrong in some cases (unlike when we just choose very toxic personalities to be around) – if anything, it is better to move on and make peace with what couldn’t be manifested into greatness. Saving yourself and your own sanity is most important.

This post was originally entitled, “My Best Friend Bully”, but today I have a different view;

Nobody has the power to be anything in your life without your say so. Therefore we must own our adult and conscious decisions and commit to making better ones as we grow. How can your best friend be your bully, abuser etc. whilst being something good? We must start to separate the negative elements that we are attaching to goodness.

It is likely that we keep certain things and people around because we are afraid of the space that they will leave in our lives. Also known as loneliness. Or we are afraid that the world will judge us for not having or not reflecting what is seen to be praiseworthy. But the damage done through endorsing or holding onto what is hurting our being, is not worth it.

I hope that this piece of expression inspires you to be a developer of your own good. One day at a time x

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