Past Addictions 

Contradiction. An acquired taste. A disguised drug. These spoon fed addictions are anything but love. 

I’ve been keeping my drugs to one side. So let’s talk about it for a while.

* * *

Is it possible to let go of the past, whilst learning from it?

Seems contradictory to me.

In order to learn from something, you must identify the lesson and then remember it. 

In order to remember the lesson, there must be a memory held onto.

In order for there to be memory held onto, you must refresh your mind to “what was”. 

The space between letting go of the past and learning from it, is untaught. It seems.

So what does it really mean to let go of the past……whilst benefiting from its lessons? 

You either let go or you learn….right?

It’s similar to ongoing discussions and theories about “the Ego”. 

Why are we taught to hate / fear the very thing that keeps us psychologically (and in many ways emotionally, socially, physically) alive? 

To despise of your ego is to despise yourself. 

To fear your ego is to fear your own existence.

What good could ever come from such internal rejection? 

It’s similar to biblical teachings  that outwardly instruct for the “sinful nature” to be hated.  

The only problem is, this “sinful nature” lives as part of us for a lifetime – in this contextual fact, we are born with it. So with this theory, you end up going through a weird conceptual living of trying to love yourself through hating yourself. 

How absurd.

The space between this love and hate suggests that we all need our egos. But….to allow it to run rampant / unleashed is said to be self-destructive. 

However, to be without it is equally dangerous – supposedly.

So how can you neglect your ego, whilst relying on it to be your survival instinct? How can you love yourself whilst hating yourself?

How contradictory. 

Some of the “new age” thinking suggests that we must die to yesterday, unlearn the things learnt, in order to live a life of freedom. Somewhere in this is the idea that being as innocent as a child is the best way, the way of a full and content life. All the while, we glorify knowing more and becoming wise through time.  Still yet, we acknowledge that children are wise without time and age. 

So, which one is it? 

The innocence of a child or the wisdom of the “learning”?

Am I the only one picking up on the fact that we are selling ourselves contradictory solutions….

A generation of addicted theorists. Perhaps.

I say, go live. 

Goodbye Linear Life – a Sunday Morning Love Letter 

I have experienced the world through a linear lens for most of my life up until now. But most recently I’ve been looking at how life is anything but linear.  The tick box exercise that we tend to live by, and indeed are conditioned to comply with, seems to become quite irrelevant as time goes on – as one matures.  As I approach my 35th year, I question what my linear approach to life has taught me, and how I can unlearn the conditions that were set to bring me the greatest of inner satisfaction, but never did. 

Here is my linear story thus far.

I have attended 2 different primary schools, 
3 different high schools,
Lived in 2 different cities, also residing abroad for almost a year – without my parents.

I took up an under 21’s sixth form college from 16-18, and went onto university from 18-21. 

I experienced a 2 parent family (up to 16), and I experienced a close knit grandparent and cousin orientated childhood up to 14. 
I then started to experience a family setting that was quite estranged – Was that just people changing or perspective? I still question. 

Started writing music and poetry at 11.
Met my first love at 17.
Decided I wanted to be a fully fledged Christian at 18. 
Decided to grow out all chemicals from my hair at 19. 
Started growing locs at 20.
Moved into my first apartment at 21.
Contacted a Publishing House about publishing my first book at 21.
Married my first love at 22.
Had my first child at 22.

Took the world of Banking by storm at 25.
Set my own company up at 29
Was travelling globally as a freelance Project Manager at 30 
Walked into a dealership at 30 and walked out over 45k broke at 30
#sheWasWorthIt

Divorced at 31 
Ditched religion at 32. 
Explored my first same sex relationship at 32. A first love all over again!

Went through one of my most challenging/soul destroying financial, property and career phases from 32-34
Made a career mark for myself within Government from 32-34.
Accepted that the same sex dynamic wasn’t necessarily a long term one (for either of us) at 34.

Cut my 14 year old locs off at 34
Embarked on building a modelling portfolio at 34
Still haven’t casted for anything “model” oriented at 34 
Still wanna be a published Writer and Speaker at 34 (feet tapping)

….and here I am on the brink of 35 

Ultimately, I have experienced much change. Extreme variation. 
They say that we choose this life before we enter into it. 
I still question why ANYBODY would choose this highly changing chain of events? 
What happened to CONSISTENT blissful and rich? 
What happened to “happily ever after”? 
They also say, in order to know where you’re heading, in order to know who you are, you must go back and understand your roots, your past. 

Well this is my past…and I’m inclined to ditch that view too. ….
Because the truth is, 
I have no idea what or whom to pay homage to, which city or country to feel patriotic about, which experience to attach extra sentiment to. 
I have no idea what or whom really raised me or where my real home is… 
….because with each event, with each change, 
your roots change. 
The blueprint of who you are is altered, updated. 

So, is “change” the real teacher, the real parent, the real family, the real first love, the real friend? 

Because with each change, my teachers have changed, my family have changed, my relationships have changed…. 

So is “change” the point? 
Did I “choose” change? 
Do we “choose” change? 

A friend once said, “life is not linear, and so we must honour ourselves in each moment”. 
And this is one of the truest things that resonate with me, right now. 
So from here on in, I’m going to focus on each moment and give myself fully to each one.

Here it goes. 
Hello 35, 
I love you ❤️ ….and I’m ready for my new life of moments. 
Because the point is, I don’t think it matters what happens in the linear space, it matters what’s going on in our internal space. 
Our internal mind. 
Our internal spirit. 
Our highest selves. 

Today is my most truest thing. 
Today is the “me” I choose to focus on. 

The lessons of yesterday, are my helpers for my choices of today. So please help me to choose well. To be authentic, to be truthful to myself first, BEFORE everything and everybody. 

My greatest experiences are those I once deemed were mistakes. Because they weren’t mistakes at all. They are all a reflection of me stepping out of what I thought I knew, and taking a risk to find out if they were my truth or not. 

I’m excited to ignite more courage in myself. To find and explore a deeper existence in myself. To connect with things that hold meaning in my eyes, at that moment in time. 
To explore my wanting 
and my desires, 
and uncondition each one, 
step by step. 

I wonder what choices I’ll make with each link of conditioning that I remove.

Farewell Linear. 

And Thank You for being my home thus far. 

If I ever come knocking again, do NOT answer. 

Sincerely, 

Catrina 

Flickers of Hope

These flickers of hope…
so encouraging
but how devastating!
when you come crashing down from a hope unfulfilled.
As though almost retracted from your reach.
Snatched. With urgency.
Like Alice I yell, “but this is MY dream”.

Find a meditative state, I urge myself
Learn how to love yourself through the answered and unanswered flickers,
fully embrace patience –
Desire to be reflectively intrigued by how life unfolds –
Reignite yourself through observation
…learning how to carefully watch how all of your desires are sequently and seamlessly answered.
I hear the wind calling me to attention, saying, “saddle up, and enjoy the ride – for life is but a flicker”.
Perhaps hope is the destination, and the flickers, maybe they’re just the weather.
So hope more, I say
Let not disappoitment distract
nor distort
Your View
Your Desires
Your Manifestations
And thank those flickers of hope…
Every single day 

My Best friend Bully

I was bullied throughout most of my primary school years. As grim as that sounds, I quite enjoyed many other aspects of my primary school years – which in turn, kept me emotionally balanced enough to survive, so to speak. 

Starting High School was like a breath of fresh air. I still had my issues with very dominant and controlling types of girls but the problem was, these girls tended to be popular and funny and cool and I ended up wanting their validation, their friendship, their attention. And so there was always something quite intriguing but horrible about these girls – and also my attraction to them. I was always quite hopeful that it was possible to sift out the bad from the good in them. So I persisted in one particular good but bad friendship.  

As an adult, I can see how throughout my years of development, I’ve harboured a bit of a love / hate relationship with females.  And perhaps with people in general.  Distrusting at root, probably sums it up. 

It seems I’ve grown quite an internal resistance towards people of a best friend bully nature, but somewhere in me feels attracted to them for other reasons than their horribleness.  There is always a fleeting exterior with such people.  That whole sifting good from bad thing again. 
When I think I spot something identical or similar to my primary school experiences, I can feel the anger racing through me and the no tolerance attitude that holds me in “get set” mode – ready to walk away from whatever it is that was forming. But I also observe my resentfulness towards not having any long term / consistent relationships with females. It seems that there is still such a strong distrust and fear towards allowing people into my life.  

The biggest disguise in all of this is that my childhood bully was also known as my best friend. She’d steal my clothes and adorn herself with my ideas, intrinsically lie about it all but come and hang out with me on a weekend. She’d instigate arguments with other class mates for the sake of retaining her control and power over others. In the face of a disagreement, she would ensure that our “best friends circle” refused to talk to me at her convenience, but still come and see me after school to do homework and have family dinner with me.  “How did this happen?”, you may question.  In my opinion, not everything is black and white. These subtleties of there being a thin line between love and hate, good and evil, exist.  For me, the good things always made me second guess the not so good things. I preferred what appeared to be the happier ending – for the greater good. However, this was in fact the inability to put boundaries in place for my own well being’s sake.

I wonder at this point in my life, whether our various childhood experiences have more power than we think. I wonder whether they need more of a proactive and practical release, than a passive one. I wonder how many of us are actually aware of the subtle repetitive cycles.  I wonder how, in my case, distrust can be remedied into trusting and feeling good about healthy risk taking. The fact that I see friendships through a “risk taking” screen, is quite an indicator in itself. And I’m sure I’m not alone on this.

Ultimately, I wonder whether I can grow to confidently identify the difference between 1. living out and setting healthy boundaries within my relationships (and so achieving better experiences) and  2. being in relationships that just aren’t right for me.

What I do know is that there is something about setting boundaries for yourself, that develops the ability to make the right choices and allow the right people and experiences into your life.  

To be a sifter of the bad vs.being a developer of your own good – is the question. And a very tricky choice. 

Be well and choose well x